Fuzzy

That's what I remember when I reflect on those first few weeks of motherhood. You know, the very first time you have to really give up any amount of sleep sacrificially - when you need it the most?

Fuzzy.

I remember being more exhausted than I had ever been in my life and thinking, 'Why doesn't anyone talk about this?' Well, I guess they do. It just doesn't mean anything to you until you've experienced it.

But I thought that about a lot of things in those early days. The first contraction that really hurt. The throwing up afterwards. The physical exhaustion just after the birth. The swelling. I could write an entire entry on the various parts and the degree to which each swelled if you want to talk about that.

I'm guessing you don't.

The net underwear. There's something else you probably don't want to hear too much about. With each new experience I thought, 'why doesn't anyone talk about this???' I just had no idea. There's no way anyone can.

I was a zombie those first few weeks. And get this. My first child was an amazing sleeper. Lucky for me, huh? She slept through the night fairly early and I felt like I just couldn't get enough sleep for months. I remember sitting up in my glider rocking and nursing with the smell of germx and sweet baby lotion filling my senses. And don't forget the ocean waves cd playing. That sound hypnotizes me even now. I instantly get sleepy. Anyway, anything to get the baby to sleep for even 2 seconds longer.

I would wake up in the glider thinking I should be in bed and vice versa. Panicking. Sheer exhaustion is the most formidable force I have ever come up against. No wonder they use it as torture.

That first transition is unlike any of the others. No other time in my life have I had such a dramatic change. But then there's this.

And this.

And this.

Oh and there's this.
And this. Do you see those lips?!
When I am talking about how hard it is to be a mother my mom often reminds me of how rewarding it is also.

Man, is it.

That smell. The feel of their weight lying on you. The first time they each stopped crying just because they finally got what they wanted - me. The times in the middle of the night when you actually choose to get up just to look at them. Or when you rock them in the night and instead of longing for your bed, you just rock and enjoy. Maybe that should be my new motto - rock and enjoy.

Just rock and enjoy.